Influence is about empowerment. How often have you felt disempowered and frustrated because you were unable to influence people or events? Influence is also about change. When you influence someone through feedback, you are offering them the opportunity to use the feedback as a basis for changing their behaviour.
Follow the six guidelines below to use feedback most effectively and increase your influencing skills.
1. Set the tone of the conversation.
People must feel safe when you give them feedback. If not, they will become defensive and shut down or start to argue. Choose a time and place where you can meet and talk quietly and in private. Feedback, especially if it is in any way critical, should NEVER be given by phone, much less by e-mail!
Plan how you will open the conversation so you do not start with an accusation or a statement that blames the person for something that has gone wrong. The opening to a conversations should simply alert the person to a conversation that has a serious tone.
2. Present the facts.
We form opinions about the performance or behaviour of others based on certain things they do or do not do. When you present those facts at the start of the conversation, the other person can understand how you arrived at your view of the situation.
This is important because it means that the two of you can disagree on your interpretation of events, without disagreeing on whether the events occurred. It also gives you a chance to check that you have in fact, got your facts right, and that your opinion of events is well founded.
3. Offer your view of the situation.
When you feel strongly about the behaviour of someone, your feelings add power to the influence you can exert. However, you must own your own feelings. Start by saying: I feel. Or you could say: My view is. Do not start out: You made me feel! The second statement blames the other person for your feelings and is never a good way to hold a conversation!
4. Invite dialogue.
Now that you have put your facts on the table along with your view of the situation you need to hear from the other person. Find out by asking a simple, straight forward, open question such as: How do you see it?
5. Listen and acknowledge.
It can be hard to listen when you disagree with what someone is saying, but if you hope to influence them, they must feel that their side of the story has been heard. Listen carefully, ask questions to make sure you understand fully, and acknowledge what you have heard.
6. Move to action.
There is one rule here. ASK, do not TELL. Ask the person how they think they can solve the problem. Ask what they would be able to do about the situation. Just ask! The best ideas, the ones to which they will be committed, always come from them.
Influence does not mean you push, persuade or bully someone into submission. Obtaining compliance and obtaining commitment are two very different outcomes. When you offer feedback based on the guidelines above, you will improve your ability to influence and obtain real commitment to change.
Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. Go to http://www.straight-talk.co.za for free downloads and Straight Talk Tips.